PDA

View Full Version : How to deal w extended family without a FAMILY FEUD ???



setLOVEfree
04-02-2013, 01:58 PM
So, my family is amazing when it comes to get-togethers and keeping sick family away from me. Sometimes it's at my expense, where I cannot attend, other times, the sick person chooses to stay home.

heres my dilemma. My boyfriends family is not this courteous. He has 2 small nieces who are toddlers in daycare. They are ALWAYS sick. His family is well aware of CF. in fact, I saw his sick nieces at Christmas, then I was hospitalized 24 days and had a 3 month recovery. My lung function dipped to the low 20's.

Boyfriends sister and brother in law are nurses, they understand how it doesn't take much to get me sick. Then I'm down for a long time.

im not trying to be mean, my boyfriend doesn't ask much from me as far as family time. However, I think I deserve to know ahead of time if the kids are sick. I'd choose not to attend.

I just got better after 3 long months, then saw the nieces for Easter, now I have a cold. How do others deal with this without causing a feud?? His family is not easy to communicate with. And it severely irritates me that my boyfriend doesn't call his family ahead of time to see if its "safe" for me to attend.


Please let me know how you handle this without causing problems?

Thanks

azdesertrat
04-02-2013, 03:07 PM
It looks like your boyfriend is not leaving you any options. I would simply lay down the law.
You must be informed if anyone is sick or else you don't attend, period. End of story.
This is not a matter of inconvenience for you, it is a matter of life & death.
I know exactly what you're dealing with.
Fortunately, my family is just the opposite.
I traveled clear from AZ to ID to see family. I was unable to see my sister & her kids because the whole time I was there one or two of her kids was sick.
She understood. She'd rather at least have the opportunity to talk with me over the phone.
If I'm dead because I caught something from her kids, she doesn't even have a phone conversation.
I hate to be blunt but this is what we deal with. These are the circumstances of our disease.
We didn't ask for this; we simply deal with it the best we can.
I hope I've been of some help to you. Best of luck to you...

Ratatosk
04-02-2013, 03:51 PM
We had a similar situation with my inlaws. Since it was his parents who did a lot of entertaining. Most people now know to check with my MIL, who'll check with us if there's an issue. It took a few tries, took us threatening to leave or not show up should someone show up sick but for the most part we do okay.

Twistofchaos
04-02-2013, 04:44 PM
Seems near impossible to trust anyone with this.
[rant]
At the moment I'm trying to recover from a flu that I got from my sister's kids. (1 and 4) But here's the kicker, my sister also has CF.
And so is pretty friggin' well aware of the risks.
Was going to spend the weekend back at my parents house but suddenly my sister complains she is tired and decides to dump her kids at my parents well aware that those kids have the flu and everyone knows that I'm there. ?! My parents also seem to have an accute brainfart and suddenly I find myself at the dinnertable with two kids trying to grab me and coughing across the table. So I stop eating, yell at my parents that they must of not understood a thing in these 32 years and head home.

Guess because my sister now chooses to take these risks by having kids suddenly it's fine for me too or..who knows what's going on in their heads.
Same story with more distant family, they have always been aware to stay away with virusses but as my generation of cousins etc. now all have kids it's all forgotten and they'll happily stick them in your face. When kids and ego come in play it all goes out the window apparantly.
[/end rant. feels good]

cosmicmystic
04-02-2013, 05:04 PM
I agree with azdesertrat. You have to lay down the law. Obviously I would do it tactfully and try to make them understand why it is so important to be made aware if someone is ill. That being said, it's just too bad if they can't grasp the seriousness of it. You have to put your health first. I have been through this same thing for many years with my family. My oldest sister has 3 children and when they were growing up it seemed like there was someone always sick in her family. It became a real sticking point in our relationship because I knew she resented the fact that they had to stay home for the holidays. I always offered to leave during the get togethers but my parents wouldn't have me feel left out. Once I became an adult and left home it became easier to split the day up with us visiting family at different times if someone was ill. One more reason to say "It ain't easy being a cf'er". Hope you get better soon.

Aboveallislove
04-02-2013, 05:44 PM
For our son, for holidays and visits, I check with my family and my husband checks with his to see if anyone has anything. Frankly, I think that's the way it should be. It seems like the initial problem is that boyfriend isn't checking. If he checks and they don't say anything or lie, then it is the extended family that's the issue. But I would not expect the extended family of a boyfriend to call me and tell me they are sick. I would hope they would call boyfriend. . . but if he never asked then I can't fault them. But maybe I misunderstood the situation.

setLOVEfree
04-03-2013, 08:21 AM
I think I should check w my family. And he should check w his. I work too hard to then be put in a situation where there are sick kids. Boyfriend tells me to not engage w the kids. They are 2 and 1, they have zero concept of off limits and I don't want to come off as a jerk. His sister texted me so I now have her number, I'll just take matters into my own hands and do the checking since boyfriend doesn't. (After the fact, that I'm already sick).

It ticks me off that he won't stand up for me and check w his family. Like he has no respect or compassion about my health when it comes to his family. And he has seen me in the hospital and then a HORRIBLE recovery following. I felt good for 3 days before being around the sick kids. That is not worth it to me.

Not trying to cause drama but my life is too precious to be around sick toddlers.

sugarcookie
04-03-2013, 03:15 PM
So, my family is amazing when it comes to get-togethers and keeping sick family away from me. Sometimes it's at my expense, where I cannot attend, other times, the sick person chooses to stay home.

heres my dilemma. My boyfriends family is not this courteous. He has 2 small nieces who are toddlers in daycare. They are ALWAYS sick. His family is well aware of CF. in fact, I saw his sick nieces at Christmas, then I was hospitalized 24 days and had a 3 month recovery. My lung function dipped to the low 20's.

Boyfriends sister and brother in law are nurses, they understand how it doesn't take much to get me sick. Then I'm down for a long time.

im not trying to be mean, my boyfriend doesn't ask much from me as far as family time. However, I think I deserve to know ahead of time if the kids are sick. I'd choose not to attend.

I just got better after 3 long months, then saw the nieces for Easter, now I have a cold. How do others deal with this without causing a feud?? His family is not easy to communicate with. And it severely irritates me that my boyfriend doesn't call his family ahead of time to see if its "safe" for me to attend.


Please let me know how you handle this without causing problems?

Thanks

This is a great topic of conversation and every CFer has to deal with this. I am upset for you that your BF doesn't check with his family to see if they are sick before he brings you over to visit. Esp. since you got sick from them and were hospitalized 24 days with a 3 month recovery AND your lung function dipped to the low 20's. HORRIBLE. I know he likes to have you around and show you off to his family, and maybe he rationalizes that if he does call and finds out someone is sick, then he'll be afraid you won't go. Two solutions popped up in my head: explain to him (nicely, because guys get very afraid when a females are mad) that when your lung function goes into the 20's the only option is to have a lung transplant. And a lung transplant is not a cure-all for CF. Secondly, is there a way you can drive separately to his families home? Then if someone is sick, you can be free to leave and he can stay.

Something needs to be done, because it's terrible for you to be mad at him whenever you visit his fams because he doesn't check to see if anyone is sick; and it's terrible for you to get sick because someone in his family is sick.

sugarcookie
04-03-2013, 03:19 PM
Seems near impossible to trust anyone with this.
[rant]
At the moment I'm trying to recover from a flu that I got from my sister's kids. (1 and 4) But here's the kicker, my sister also has CF.
And so is pretty friggin' well aware of the risks.
Was going to spend the weekend back at my parents house but suddenly my sister complains she is tired and decides to dump her kids at my parents well aware that those kids have the flu and everyone knows that I'm there. ?! My parents also seem to have an accute brainfart and suddenly I find myself at the dinnertable with two kids trying to grab me and coughing across the table. So I stop eating, yell at my parents that they must of not understood a thing in these 32 years and head home.

Guess because my sister now chooses to take these risks by having kids suddenly it's fine for me too or..who knows what's going on in their heads.
Same story with more distant family, they have always been aware to stay away with virusses but as my generation of cousins etc. now all have kids it's all forgotten and they'll happily stick them in your face. When kids and ego come in play it all goes out the window apparantly.
[/end rant. feels good]

I can understand why you needed to rant! I don't know what families are thinking sometimes. A couple of key players in my family like to do the "oh, I'm not THAT sick, just bronchitis, but I am on antibiotics, so I'm not contagious" story. Then I look like the jerk who doesn't want to get together because they are sick, but "not really sick" just hacking and coughing but "not really sick" according to them.

Printer
04-03-2013, 04:26 PM
Look, you have two choices. One, you can die. If you don't want that, tell BF that you are leaving him.

Bill

kmhbeauty
04-03-2013, 06:01 PM
I have learned from dealing with my fiancÚ and his family that most people just do not understand our disease. I think my fiancÚ finally does, but I do not think his family does. It is also very annoying, so I can relate. My fiancÚ has a 6 year old son that lives half the time at the grandparents (mother is not in the picture by choice). The son has a friend in class that has CF, that is his best friend. I told my fiancÚ its not a good idea that his kid hangs out with his son and then his son comes home to our house. My fiancÚ doesn't believe its an issue. I guess the parents of the other child do not mind either since they know I have CF. I totally get how annoying it can be where people do not care to try to avoid illness when it has to do with our lives. Its really sickening. I am not badly sick but I also do not want to be exposed to a sick kid all the time.

Daverog75
04-03-2013, 07:38 PM
you could take the initiative and call his family yourself and find if anyone is sick before going to a family function.

Dave

Ratatosk
04-04-2013, 08:42 AM
The "just a cold" or "I'm not contagious" drives me up a wall. We had to stand our ground when ds was a baby and people showed up for holiday dinners with bronchitis, pneumonia... Nowdays most people check or keep their distance if they're getting over something.

AmalynRose
04-04-2013, 12:59 PM
I am sorry to hear that your boyfriend doesn't take your health into consideration. My advice is two-fold. First, it's time to have a serious talk with the boyfriend. Sit down with him and tell him how you feel, that your relationship is important to you and that you need him to understand how frustrating it is to get sick. Make sure he understands that this isn't a matter of inconvenience, it's life and death. Help him understand, answer any questions, offer to gently remind him about it before family get togethers, offer to help him make the phone calls before hand. Make it a team effort because as a couple, you have to be a team. Keep the conversation as non-confrontational as possible, don't yell and scream, don't call each other names; it will make all the difference.

Second, if the first doesn't work, take matters into your own hands and call the relatives yourself. If they don't answer, don't go. Period. If you find that people are lying to you and show up sick anyway, leave. It's not worth dying for. Go home, wash those clothes immediately, take a shower and soap your whole body, and drink vitamin C to help your system fight anything you may have come into contact with.

I sincerely hope this is a case of him just not understanding the importance of you staying healthy. There is a difference between not understanding and not caring. Not understanding can be changed into understanding with guidance and information. Not caring means that it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship and if it should continue.

Printer
04-04-2013, 02:22 PM
So, my family is amazing when it comes to get-togethers and keeping sick family away from me. Sometimes it's at my expense, where I cannot attend, other times, the sick person chooses to stay home.

heres my dilemma. My boyfriends family is not this courteous. He has 2 small nieces who are toddlers in daycare. They are ALWAYS sick. His family is well aware of CF. in fact, I saw his sick nieces at Christmas, then I was hospitalized 24 days and had a 3 month recovery. My lung function dipped to the low 20's.

Boyfriends sister and brother in law are nurses, they understand how it doesn't take much to get me sick. Then I'm down for a long time.

im not trying to be mean, my boyfriend doesn't ask much from me as far as family time. However, I think I deserve to know ahead of time if the kids are sick. I'd choose not to attend.

I just got better after 3 long months, then saw the nieces for Easter, now I have a cold. How do others deal with this without causing a feud?? His family is not easy to communicate with. And it severely irritates me that my boyfriend doesn't call his family ahead of time to see if its "safe" for me to attend.


Please let me know how you handle this without causing problems?

Thanks

Your BF's Brother-in law and Sister are NURSES!!!

You need to understand that they fully understand your situation. They have chosen to ignore your needs in order to accommodate their needs, ie their children. This situation will only get better when the children are much older.

Their children are much more important to the family than you are. It is up to you to stay in a healthy place (home) during their family get togethers.

Bill

shelij
04-04-2013, 07:14 PM
Grrrr....it is so freaking selfish!! Just today, both of my CFers went to clinic and are on a new antibiotic. Why? Because they visited their dad for the week and the stepmom and half-brother were sick. This happens almost every time they go and visit. I have also heard the typical lame excuses...it's just allergies, no longer contagious, my Dr. said we were fine, blah blah blah. It is almost to the point where I am going to have to contact my lawyer. I already talked to the social worker today about the situation.

Getting a cold seems like just a mild inconvenience to the average person, something they can hide under a door mat. Although, I know plenty of healthy people that turn into whiny drama queens any they start to get a sniffle!! Some people just don't understand, don't have respect, and are selfish little bastards that can't see farther than their child's snotty nose. It makes me want to pull my hair out!!

Having said that, you can't control having CF, but you can limit access to those that don't respect your CF. Definitely have a heart-to-heart with your boyfriend. He probably hasn't dealt with this before. If he is going to be man enough to be in a relationship with a girl with CF (it's a lot to deal with, but worth it because CFers are the coolest) then he needs to be man enough to demand compliance from his family! I dislike being a bitchy person, but NOBODY screws with my kids health.

Hang in there,
you are worth it!