PDA

View Full Version : How do you foster good self esteem in your non CF child?



Rebjane
01-22-2010, 09:58 PM
I have a 11 year old without CF..We've always been pretty open about CF. Maggie needs certain things nebs, VEST extra rest, extra calories, sometimes it feels like extra EVERYTHING to keep her healthy. FOr my non CF child, I do not want him to feel neglected. It's hard because CF is so time consuming. It makes you have limited room for all the extras in life. I want to instill good self esteem in both my children but especially my non CF child for him to deal with having a CF sibling. Any advice?

Rebjane
01-22-2010, 09:58 PM
I have a 11 year old without CF..We've always been pretty open about CF. Maggie needs certain things nebs, VEST extra rest, extra calories, sometimes it feels like extra EVERYTHING to keep her healthy. FOr my non CF child, I do not want him to feel neglected. It's hard because CF is so time consuming. It makes you have limited room for all the extras in life. I want to instill good self esteem in both my children but especially my non CF child for him to deal with having a CF sibling. Any advice?

Rebjane
01-22-2010, 09:58 PM
I have a 11 year old without CF..We've always been pretty open about CF. Maggie needs certain things nebs, VEST extra rest, extra calories, sometimes it feels like extra EVERYTHING to keep her healthy. FOr my non CF child, I do not want him to feel neglected. It's hard because CF is so time consuming. It makes you have limited room for all the extras in life. I want to instill good self esteem in both my children but especially my non CF child for him to deal with having a CF sibling. Any advice?

Rebjane
01-22-2010, 09:58 PM
I have a 11 year old without CF..We've always been pretty open about CF. Maggie needs certain things nebs, VEST extra rest, extra calories, sometimes it feels like extra EVERYTHING to keep her healthy. FOr my non CF child, I do not want him to feel neglected. It's hard because CF is so time consuming. It makes you have limited room for all the extras in life. I want to instill good self esteem in both my children but especially my non CF child for him to deal with having a CF sibling. Any advice?

Rebjane
01-22-2010, 09:58 PM
I have a 11 year old without CF..We've always been pretty open about CF. Maggie needs certain things nebs, VEST extra rest, extra calories, sometimes it feels like extra EVERYTHING to keep her healthy. FOr my non CF child, I do not want him to feel neglected. It's hard because CF is so time consuming. It makes you have limited room for all the extras in life. I want to instill good self esteem in both my children but especially my non CF child for him to deal with having a CF sibling. Any advice?
<br />
<br />

LisaGreene
01-24-2010, 02:10 PM
What a great question! The sibling issue is a very tough one when dealing with any special need and it's hard to address issues like this in a short amount of time/ space. And really, your question is about 2 separate issues: siblings and building self-esteem.

Since we have written a very good article about siblings, I am going to address the self esteem issue on this posting. You can find the article about siblings on www.ParentingChildrenWithHealthIssues.com under <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.parentingchildrenwithhealthissues.com/articles/article/4270854/115044.htm">Articles</a> and on my website at www.TipsForCFParents.com under <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.happyheartfamilies.citymax.com/CFSiblings.html">"Sibling Issues"</a>. We'd be happy to take any questions you may have about that article.

So let's address the self-esteem issue here. There is a lot of misinformation out there about what builds self-esteem so let's clear this up first by defining self-esteem.

Self -esteem is the way that one feels about oneself as in "I like myself" or "I don't like myself." It is a <i>piece </i>of self-concept.

Self-concept refers to the way we feel about ourselves <b>and</b> the way we see ourselves which includes knowledge of our personality traits, our skills and abilities, occupations and hobbies, and physical attributes which, for our CF kids, includes "having CF." It boils down to: <i>do we know who we are and do we like what we see? </i>

It helps us to understand this because we need to be focusing on building our child's self-concept, not just focusing on self-esteem. Because a high self-esteem will flow naturally from a high self-concept.

So, what builds a high self concept? First we'll focus on what doesn't work. Then we'll talk about what does. And of course building a child's self concept is much more complex than this simple list.

It is really built upon all of the day-to-day interactions and responses over years of living and loving. And when parents are Love and Logic parents, then this overlying philosophy contributes to the development of a child's high self-concept. So what doesn't work to build a high self concept?

What doesn't work:
. Wealth and material things
. Being nice all the time
. Giving children everything they want
. Praising children for a mediocre or poor job
. Not correcting children for misbehavior
. Being a child-centered home
. Rescuing children from their problems
. Protecting children from difficult realities

What does work:
. A job well done and pride in doing things right
. Learning to be proficient and skilled at things
. Contributing to others within the family unit and in the community
. Parents taking good care of themselves and setting the model for healthy boundaries
. Parents using encouragement instead of praise
. Having good role models
. Understanding and managing emotions

Basically, we develop and maintain our self-concept through the process of taking action and then reflecting on what we have done and what others tell us about what we have done.

Practical ways to build self-concept include: helping kids discover what they like and are good at by exposing them to many different things like the arts, science, nature, sports, academics, etc. We don't want to over-schedule our kids but extra-curricular activities really are important to helping them discover their likes, dislikes and gifts.

Using good parenting skills are critical in developing a high self-concept (and self-esteem); especially the way we handle misbehavior. Anger and punishment hurts self-concept; empathy and consequences helps build it because kids <i>learn</i> from their mistakes rather than feel bad and ashamed.

So, in closing, with the sibling issue, read the article because that will give you specific ideas about how to handle your necessary focus on your child with CF. The way you respond to your non-CF child makes a big difference and the presence of guilt can make it a bigger problem. (It's natural for parents to feel guilty about not being able to "be there" for the sib but it causes problems...)

Also, check out SibShops- a wonderful program specifically for sibs of kids with special needs that is available in many hospitals around the country. Do a google...

Thanks for the great question!

PS We will be addressing these issues at length in the upcoming teleclass (by phone): <b>Winning with CF </b>which starts on Feb 8th. Visit: <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.happyheartfamilies.citymax.com/winningClasses.html">www.WinningWithCF.com</a> for info.

LisaGreene
01-24-2010, 02:10 PM
What a great question! The sibling issue is a very tough one when dealing with any special need and it's hard to address issues like this in a short amount of time/ space. And really, your question is about 2 separate issues: siblings and building self-esteem.

Since we have written a very good article about siblings, I am going to address the self esteem issue on this posting. You can find the article about siblings on www.ParentingChildrenWithHealthIssues.com under <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.parentingchildrenwithhealthissues.com/articles/article/4270854/115044.htm">Articles</a> and on my website at www.TipsForCFParents.com under <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.happyheartfamilies.citymax.com/CFSiblings.html">"Sibling Issues"</a>. We'd be happy to take any questions you may have about that article.

So let's address the self-esteem issue here. There is a lot of misinformation out there about what builds self-esteem so let's clear this up first by defining self-esteem.

Self -esteem is the way that one feels about oneself as in "I like myself" or "I don't like myself." It is a <i>piece </i>of self-concept.

Self-concept refers to the way we feel about ourselves <b>and</b> the way we see ourselves which includes knowledge of our personality traits, our skills and abilities, occupations and hobbies, and physical attributes which, for our CF kids, includes "having CF." It boils down to: <i>do we know who we are and do we like what we see? </i>

It helps us to understand this because we need to be focusing on building our child's self-concept, not just focusing on self-esteem. Because a high self-esteem will flow naturally from a high self-concept.

So, what builds a high self concept? First we'll focus on what doesn't work. Then we'll talk about what does. And of course building a child's self concept is much more complex than this simple list.

It is really built upon all of the day-to-day interactions and responses over years of living and loving. And when parents are Love and Logic parents, then this overlying philosophy contributes to the development of a child's high self-concept. So what doesn't work to build a high self concept?

What doesn't work:
. Wealth and material things
. Being nice all the time
. Giving children everything they want
. Praising children for a mediocre or poor job
. Not correcting children for misbehavior
. Being a child-centered home
. Rescuing children from their problems
. Protecting children from difficult realities

What does work:
. A job well done and pride in doing things right
. Learning to be proficient and skilled at things
. Contributing to others within the family unit and in the community
. Parents taking good care of themselves and setting the model for healthy boundaries
. Parents using encouragement instead of praise
. Having good role models
. Understanding and managing emotions

Basically, we develop and maintain our self-concept through the process of taking action and then reflecting on what we have done and what others tell us about what we have done.

Practical ways to build self-concept include: helping kids discover what they like and are good at by exposing them to many different things like the arts, science, nature, sports, academics, etc. We don't want to over-schedule our kids but extra-curricular activities really are important to helping them discover their likes, dislikes and gifts.

Using good parenting skills are critical in developing a high self-concept (and self-esteem); especially the way we handle misbehavior. Anger and punishment hurts self-concept; empathy and consequences helps build it because kids <i>learn</i> from their mistakes rather than feel bad and ashamed.

So, in closing, with the sibling issue, read the article because that will give you specific ideas about how to handle your necessary focus on your child with CF. The way you respond to your non-CF child makes a big difference and the presence of guilt can make it a bigger problem. (It's natural for parents to feel guilty about not being able to "be there" for the sib but it causes problems...)

Also, check out SibShops- a wonderful program specifically for sibs of kids with special needs that is available in many hospitals around the country. Do a google...

Thanks for the great question!

PS We will be addressing these issues at length in the upcoming teleclass (by phone): <b>Winning with CF </b>which starts on Feb 8th. Visit: <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.happyheartfamilies.citymax.com/winningClasses.html">www.WinningWithCF.com</a> for info.

LisaGreene
01-24-2010, 02:10 PM
What a great question! The sibling issue is a very tough one when dealing with any special need and it's hard to address issues like this in a short amount of time/ space. And really, your question is about 2 separate issues: siblings and building self-esteem.

Since we have written a very good article about siblings, I am going to address the self esteem issue on this posting. You can find the article about siblings on www.ParentingChildrenWithHealthIssues.com under <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.parentingchildrenwithhealthissues.com/articles/article/4270854/115044.htm">Articles</a> and on my website at www.TipsForCFParents.com under <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.happyheartfamilies.citymax.com/CFSiblings.html">"Sibling Issues"</a>. We'd be happy to take any questions you may have about that article.

So let's address the self-esteem issue here. There is a lot of misinformation out there about what builds self-esteem so let's clear this up first by defining self-esteem.

Self -esteem is the way that one feels about oneself as in "I like myself" or "I don't like myself." It is a <i>piece </i>of self-concept.

Self-concept refers to the way we feel about ourselves <b>and</b> the way we see ourselves which includes knowledge of our personality traits, our skills and abilities, occupations and hobbies, and physical attributes which, for our CF kids, includes "having CF." It boils down to: <i>do we know who we are and do we like what we see? </i>

It helps us to understand this because we need to be focusing on building our child's self-concept, not just focusing on self-esteem. Because a high self-esteem will flow naturally from a high self-concept.

So, what builds a high self concept? First we'll focus on what doesn't work. Then we'll talk about what does. And of course building a child's self concept is much more complex than this simple list.

It is really built upon all of the day-to-day interactions and responses over years of living and loving. And when parents are Love and Logic parents, then this overlying philosophy contributes to the development of a child's high self-concept. So what doesn't work to build a high self concept?

What doesn't work:
. Wealth and material things
. Being nice all the time
. Giving children everything they want
. Praising children for a mediocre or poor job
. Not correcting children for misbehavior
. Being a child-centered home
. Rescuing children from their problems
. Protecting children from difficult realities

What does work:
. A job well done and pride in doing things right
. Learning to be proficient and skilled at things
. Contributing to others within the family unit and in the community
. Parents taking good care of themselves and setting the model for healthy boundaries
. Parents using encouragement instead of praise
. Having good role models
. Understanding and managing emotions

Basically, we develop and maintain our self-concept through the process of taking action and then reflecting on what we have done and what others tell us about what we have done.

Practical ways to build self-concept include: helping kids discover what they like and are good at by exposing them to many different things like the arts, science, nature, sports, academics, etc. We don't want to over-schedule our kids but extra-curricular activities really are important to helping them discover their likes, dislikes and gifts.

Using good parenting skills are critical in developing a high self-concept (and self-esteem); especially the way we handle misbehavior. Anger and punishment hurts self-concept; empathy and consequences helps build it because kids <i>learn</i> from their mistakes rather than feel bad and ashamed.

So, in closing, with the sibling issue, read the article because that will give you specific ideas about how to handle your necessary focus on your child with CF. The way you respond to your non-CF child makes a big difference and the presence of guilt can make it a bigger problem. (It's natural for parents to feel guilty about not being able to "be there" for the sib but it causes problems...)

Also, check out SibShops- a wonderful program specifically for sibs of kids with special needs that is available in many hospitals around the country. Do a google...

Thanks for the great question!

PS We will be addressing these issues at length in the upcoming teleclass (by phone): <b>Winning with CF </b>which starts on Feb 8th. Visit: <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.happyheartfamilies.citymax.com/winningClasses.html">www.WinningWithCF.com</a> for info.

LisaGreene
01-24-2010, 02:10 PM
What a great question! The sibling issue is a very tough one when dealing with any special need and it's hard to address issues like this in a short amount of time/ space. And really, your question is about 2 separate issues: siblings and building self-esteem.

Since we have written a very good article about siblings, I am going to address the self esteem issue on this posting. You can find the article about siblings on www.ParentingChildrenWithHealthIssues.com under <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.parentingchildrenwithhealthissues.com/articles/article/4270854/115044.htm">Articles</a> and on my website at www.TipsForCFParents.com under <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.happyheartfamilies.citymax.com/CFSiblings.html">"Sibling Issues"</a>. We'd be happy to take any questions you may have about that article.

So let's address the self-esteem issue here. There is a lot of misinformation out there about what builds self-esteem so let's clear this up first by defining self-esteem.

Self -esteem is the way that one feels about oneself as in "I like myself" or "I don't like myself." It is a <i>piece </i>of self-concept.

Self-concept refers to the way we feel about ourselves <b>and</b> the way we see ourselves which includes knowledge of our personality traits, our skills and abilities, occupations and hobbies, and physical attributes which, for our CF kids, includes "having CF." It boils down to: <i>do we know who we are and do we like what we see? </i>

It helps us to understand this because we need to be focusing on building our child's self-concept, not just focusing on self-esteem. Because a high self-esteem will flow naturally from a high self-concept.

So, what builds a high self concept? First we'll focus on what doesn't work. Then we'll talk about what does. And of course building a child's self concept is much more complex than this simple list.

It is really built upon all of the day-to-day interactions and responses over years of living and loving. And when parents are Love and Logic parents, then this overlying philosophy contributes to the development of a child's high self-concept. So what doesn't work to build a high self concept?

What doesn't work:
. Wealth and material things
. Being nice all the time
. Giving children everything they want
. Praising children for a mediocre or poor job
. Not correcting children for misbehavior
. Being a child-centered home
. Rescuing children from their problems
. Protecting children from difficult realities

What does work:
. A job well done and pride in doing things right
. Learning to be proficient and skilled at things
. Contributing to others within the family unit and in the community
. Parents taking good care of themselves and setting the model for healthy boundaries
. Parents using encouragement instead of praise
. Having good role models
. Understanding and managing emotions

Basically, we develop and maintain our self-concept through the process of taking action and then reflecting on what we have done and what others tell us about what we have done.

Practical ways to build self-concept include: helping kids discover what they like and are good at by exposing them to many different things like the arts, science, nature, sports, academics, etc. We don't want to over-schedule our kids but extra-curricular activities really are important to helping them discover their likes, dislikes and gifts.

Using good parenting skills are critical in developing a high self-concept (and self-esteem); especially the way we handle misbehavior. Anger and punishment hurts self-concept; empathy and consequences helps build it because kids <i>learn</i> from their mistakes rather than feel bad and ashamed.

So, in closing, with the sibling issue, read the article because that will give you specific ideas about how to handle your necessary focus on your child with CF. The way you respond to your non-CF child makes a big difference and the presence of guilt can make it a bigger problem. (It's natural for parents to feel guilty about not being able to "be there" for the sib but it causes problems...)

Also, check out SibShops- a wonderful program specifically for sibs of kids with special needs that is available in many hospitals around the country. Do a google...

Thanks for the great question!

PS We will be addressing these issues at length in the upcoming teleclass (by phone): <b>Winning with CF </b>which starts on Feb 8th. Visit: <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.happyheartfamilies.citymax.com/winningClasses.html">www.WinningWithCF.com</a> for info.

LisaGreene
01-24-2010, 02:10 PM
What a great question! The sibling issue is a very tough one when dealing with any special need and it's hard to address issues like this in a short amount of time/ space. And really, your question is about 2 separate issues: siblings and building self-esteem.
<br />
<br />Since we have written a very good article about siblings, I am going to address the self esteem issue on this posting. You can find the article about siblings on www.ParentingChildrenWithHealthIssues.com under <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.parentingchildrenwithhealthissues.com/articles/article/4270854/115044.htm">Articles</a> and on my website at www.TipsForCFParents.com under <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.happyheartfamilies.citymax.com/CFSiblings.html">"Sibling Issues"</a>. We'd be happy to take any questions you may have about that article.
<br />
<br />So let's address the self-esteem issue here. There is a lot of misinformation out there about what builds self-esteem so let's clear this up first by defining self-esteem.
<br />
<br />Self -esteem is the way that one feels about oneself as in "I like myself" or "I don't like myself." It is a <i>piece </i>of self-concept.
<br />
<br />Self-concept refers to the way we feel about ourselves <b>and</b> the way we see ourselves which includes knowledge of our personality traits, our skills and abilities, occupations and hobbies, and physical attributes which, for our CF kids, includes "having CF." It boils down to: <i>do we know who we are and do we like what we see? </i>
<br />
<br />It helps us to understand this because we need to be focusing on building our child's self-concept, not just focusing on self-esteem. Because a high self-esteem will flow naturally from a high self-concept.
<br />
<br />So, what builds a high self concept? First we'll focus on what doesn't work. Then we'll talk about what does. And of course building a child's self concept is much more complex than this simple list.
<br />
<br />It is really built upon all of the day-to-day interactions and responses over years of living and loving. And when parents are Love and Logic parents, then this overlying philosophy contributes to the development of a child's high self-concept. So what doesn't work to build a high self concept?
<br />
<br />What doesn't work:
<br />. Wealth and material things
<br />. Being nice all the time
<br />. Giving children everything they want
<br />. Praising children for a mediocre or poor job
<br />. Not correcting children for misbehavior
<br />. Being a child-centered home
<br />. Rescuing children from their problems
<br />. Protecting children from difficult realities
<br />
<br />What does work:
<br />. A job well done and pride in doing things right
<br />. Learning to be proficient and skilled at things
<br />. Contributing to others within the family unit and in the community
<br />. Parents taking good care of themselves and setting the model for healthy boundaries
<br />. Parents using encouragement instead of praise
<br />. Having good role models
<br />. Understanding and managing emotions
<br />
<br />Basically, we develop and maintain our self-concept through the process of taking action and then reflecting on what we have done and what others tell us about what we have done.
<br />
<br />Practical ways to build self-concept include: helping kids discover what they like and are good at by exposing them to many different things like the arts, science, nature, sports, academics, etc. We don't want to over-schedule our kids but extra-curricular activities really are important to helping them discover their likes, dislikes and gifts.
<br />
<br />Using good parenting skills are critical in developing a high self-concept (and self-esteem); especially the way we handle misbehavior. Anger and punishment hurts self-concept; empathy and consequences helps build it because kids <i>learn</i> from their mistakes rather than feel bad and ashamed.
<br />
<br />So, in closing, with the sibling issue, read the article because that will give you specific ideas about how to handle your necessary focus on your child with CF. The way you respond to your non-CF child makes a big difference and the presence of guilt can make it a bigger problem. (It's natural for parents to feel guilty about not being able to "be there" for the sib but it causes problems...)
<br />
<br />Also, check out SibShops- a wonderful program specifically for sibs of kids with special needs that is available in many hospitals around the country. Do a google...
<br />
<br />Thanks for the great question!
<br />
<br />PS We will be addressing these issues at length in the upcoming teleclass (by phone): <b>Winning with CF </b>which starts on Feb 8th. Visit: <a target=_blank class=ftalternatingbarlinklarge href="http://www.happyheartfamilies.citymax.com/winningClasses.html">www.WinningWithCF.com</a> for info.

Rebjane
01-25-2010, 01:16 PM
Lisa,

Thank you for your articles. I do need to spend more one on one time with my child without CF. He is getting to an age where he would rather spend time with his friends than with his Mom though<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> Overall, my son is well adjusted. I hope that when he gets older that having a sister with special needs is not always negative..That he was molded into an empathic person.

Rebjane
01-25-2010, 01:16 PM
Lisa,

Thank you for your articles. I do need to spend more one on one time with my child without CF. He is getting to an age where he would rather spend time with his friends than with his Mom though<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> Overall, my son is well adjusted. I hope that when he gets older that having a sister with special needs is not always negative..That he was molded into an empathic person.

Rebjane
01-25-2010, 01:16 PM
Lisa,

Thank you for your articles. I do need to spend more one on one time with my child without CF. He is getting to an age where he would rather spend time with his friends than with his Mom though<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> Overall, my son is well adjusted. I hope that when he gets older that having a sister with special needs is not always negative..That he was molded into an empathic person.

Rebjane
01-25-2010, 01:16 PM
Lisa,

Thank you for your articles. I do need to spend more one on one time with my child without CF. He is getting to an age where he would rather spend time with his friends than with his Mom though<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> Overall, my son is well adjusted. I hope that when he gets older that having a sister with special needs is not always negative..That he was molded into an empathic person.

Rebjane
01-25-2010, 01:16 PM
Lisa,
<br />
<br />Thank you for your articles. I do need to spend more one on one time with my child without CF. He is getting to an age where he would rather spend time with his friends than with his Mom though<img src="i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif" border="0"> Overall, my son is well adjusted. I hope that when he gets older that having a sister with special needs is not always negative..That he was molded into an empathic person.
<br />
<br />

Rebjane
01-25-2010, 01:41 PM
Also, I did look at some of the books out there for sbling of children with special needs. There were lots written for siblings of autistic children or Down's sydrome. Really nothing out there for CF siblings,that would be age-appropriate. There was one Chicken Soup for the Soul for Kids...but I wasn't sure. My son is a advanced reader and i thought it would be great if he had a book with stuff he could relate to....Any Suggestions? He is 11 years old but really at a fairly high level; he loves fantasy books about kids...

Rebjane
01-25-2010, 01:41 PM
Also, I did look at some of the books out there for sbling of children with special needs. There were lots written for siblings of autistic children or Down's sydrome. Really nothing out there for CF siblings,that would be age-appropriate. There was one Chicken Soup for the Soul for Kids...but I wasn't sure. My son is a advanced reader and i thought it would be great if he had a book with stuff he could relate to....Any Suggestions? He is 11 years old but really at a fairly high level; he loves fantasy books about kids...

Rebjane
01-25-2010, 01:41 PM
Also, I did look at some of the books out there for sbling of children with special needs. There were lots written for siblings of autistic children or Down's sydrome. Really nothing out there for CF siblings,that would be age-appropriate. There was one Chicken Soup for the Soul for Kids...but I wasn't sure. My son is a advanced reader and i thought it would be great if he had a book with stuff he could relate to....Any Suggestions? He is 11 years old but really at a fairly high level; he loves fantasy books about kids...

Rebjane
01-25-2010, 01:41 PM
Also, I did look at some of the books out there for sbling of children with special needs. There were lots written for siblings of autistic children or Down's sydrome. Really nothing out there for CF siblings,that would be age-appropriate. There was one Chicken Soup for the Soul for Kids...but I wasn't sure. My son is a advanced reader and i thought it would be great if he had a book with stuff he could relate to....Any Suggestions? He is 11 years old but really at a fairly high level; he loves fantasy books about kids...

Rebjane
01-25-2010, 01:41 PM
Also, I did look at some of the books out there for sbling of children with special needs. There were lots written for siblings of autistic children or Down's sydrome. Really nothing out there for CF siblings,that would be age-appropriate. There was one Chicken Soup for the Soul for Kids...but I wasn't sure. My son is a advanced reader and i thought it would be great if he had a book with stuff he could relate to....Any Suggestions? He is 11 years old but really at a fairly high level; he loves fantasy books about kids...

emilyspeanut
01-25-2010, 02:13 PM
I took my daughter ( with out CF) for a beauty day. She got her nails done, her hair cut ( I even let her get a purple streak for CF). She also went shopping. She had a blast. I try to give her one day once every 2 weeks or so that is all about her. She also like getting involved in things like Great Strides. She signed up to walk and she is getting her own sponsors. She feels like she is helping and at the smae time she is getting much needed attention. I also am letting her design the Tee Shirts that we will be wearing at the walk. This thrilled her to no end! I know it is difficult to give themextra attention but we are trying.

emilyspeanut
01-25-2010, 02:13 PM
I took my daughter ( with out CF) for a beauty day. She got her nails done, her hair cut ( I even let her get a purple streak for CF). She also went shopping. She had a blast. I try to give her one day once every 2 weeks or so that is all about her. She also like getting involved in things like Great Strides. She signed up to walk and she is getting her own sponsors. She feels like she is helping and at the smae time she is getting much needed attention. I also am letting her design the Tee Shirts that we will be wearing at the walk. This thrilled her to no end! I know it is difficult to give themextra attention but we are trying.

emilyspeanut
01-25-2010, 02:13 PM
I took my daughter ( with out CF) for a beauty day. She got her nails done, her hair cut ( I even let her get a purple streak for CF). She also went shopping. She had a blast. I try to give her one day once every 2 weeks or so that is all about her. She also like getting involved in things like Great Strides. She signed up to walk and she is getting her own sponsors. She feels like she is helping and at the smae time she is getting much needed attention. I also am letting her design the Tee Shirts that we will be wearing at the walk. This thrilled her to no end! I know it is difficult to give themextra attention but we are trying.

emilyspeanut
01-25-2010, 02:13 PM
I took my daughter ( with out CF) for a beauty day. She got her nails done, her hair cut ( I even let her get a purple streak for CF). She also went shopping. She had a blast. I try to give her one day once every 2 weeks or so that is all about her. She also like getting involved in things like Great Strides. She signed up to walk and she is getting her own sponsors. She feels like she is helping and at the smae time she is getting much needed attention. I also am letting her design the Tee Shirts that we will be wearing at the walk. This thrilled her to no end! I know it is difficult to give themextra attention but we are trying.

emilyspeanut
01-25-2010, 02:13 PM
I took my daughter ( with out CF) for a beauty day. She got her nails done, her hair cut ( I even let her get a purple streak for CF). She also went shopping. She had a blast. I try to give her one day once every 2 weeks or so that is all about her. She also like getting involved in things like Great Strides. She signed up to walk and she is getting her own sponsors. She feels like she is helping and at the smae time she is getting much needed attention. I also am letting her design the Tee Shirts that we will be wearing at the walk. This thrilled her to no end! I know it is difficult to give themextra attention but we are trying.

FosterClineMD
01-25-2010, 11:24 PM
I have so much enjoyed reading all your responses. So many of you are very creative, and it's understandable and reasonable that a non-CF kid is resentful of their brother or sister. Their sib gets to eat more, takes up more parental time and energy and their needs are primary in scheduling, etc. General Bummer!

However, our general come-through as parent is so important! Sometimes it is so hard for us to walk the essential line between overly sympathetic/overly matter-of-fact. While it is effective to be empathetic, it is often not wise to be overly sympathetic. If we are <i>overly</i> sorry or sympathetic or show angst and pain ourselves, it could overly validate the anger and resentment. It's the difference between a parent saying (with a look of pain):

"Gee, honey, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I'm upset too."

v.s. saying (with understanding):

"I can understand you are feeling a little left out. I'm glad that you cope with the situation as well as you do so much of the time. Come here and give me a hug. I would, however, appreciate your handling it without the whining. Thanks!

Time alone, even if it is short, is helpful in dealing with healthy siblings. And involves them in the a reasonable spot of care for the ill child in an appropriate way. Help foster a spirit of family cohesion and cooperation, without robbing the brothers or sisters of a healthy childhood of their own.

We give the following example in our book. I'll paste it in here, and would certainly welcome any of your comments.

Dale was home from the hospital for a week before Paul joined the family after living with his grandparents. Paul had always been a pretty quiet, stoic little kid. But shortly after coming home he became loud, obnoxious, and disruptive. At dinner-time, the second week after homecoming, Paul was obnoxiously playing with his food when a slippery beet flipped from his plate and hit Dale on the cheek. Dale's cheek was splattered with bright red beet juice, which dripped down below his innocent, big blue eyes. He turned to his mother and said calmly, "Mama, please make him stop." Seeing the red liquid splattered across Dale's face, Nancy lost it completely. She screamed at Paul, "Why are you always such a problem! Can't you settle down?!! Get up to your room now!" Later that night Nancy's husband, Robert, put his arms around his wife and said, "You were a little rough on the kid, don't you think, honey?" Nancy burst into sobs. She tried to justify her behavior while Robert simply held her but her words sounded hollow even to herself. That sleepless night, Nancy resolved to speak to Paul. But more importantly, she resolved to do it right!

Let's eavesdrop here on a beautiful transcripted conversation with a resolution that leaves an angry child with good feelings and high self esteem:

"Honey, do you have a minute?"

Paul, resentfully, "I guess."

"Come on over here and sit with me on the couch.... Good." Nancy tries to put her arm around Paul, but he is stiff and rigid. "What are your thoughts about last night?" Note that Nancy did not start right out with an apology. She gave her son a chance to focus on his behavior, not hers, and happily he did!

"I got too mad, I guess."

"I think we all do at times. What do you think is going on?"

(Snippy, with anger) "I didn't mean for my beet to hit him in the face. I'm sorry! Okay?!"

Nancy ignores the sassy answer, "I am sure you didn't Honey, but I'm not just talking about the beet. You don't seem very happy these days." Wise mom! She focuses here on his feelings, not his tacky behavior.

"What?"

"I think you know what I'm talking about, Paul. You just don't seem like the old happy kid I used to know."

"It's just not fair!"

"What's not fair?"

"I don't know, just everything!"

"Tell me more."

"I hate Dale."

Nancy neatly avoids saying, "You don't mean that" or "That's not a nice thing to say." "Really. Tell me about that, Paul."
Paul starts crying angrily. "He gets everything. You guys spend all your time with him. You love him more than you love me! I hate him!"

"This whole year and Dale's cancer have been pretty hard on you, haven't they?" Imagine how easily Nancy could have said what a hard year Dale had experienced! Or the whole family had experienced! But she continues to focus on Paul and empathize with his feelings.

"Yeah."

"I'm sure it has, honey. I'm sorry. You've been pretty left out, haven't you?" Nancy reaches out to Paul and he snuggles into her, suddenly racked by sobs. She holds him for 30 seconds saying nothing at all.

"How do you feel about hating Dale?"

"I wish I didn't"

"I know that. You know, it is always hard on an older kid when a younger one comes along and is the baby of the family. Lots of kids have trouble handling that. But, when the younger one has cancer, he takes even more of our time. You get a triple dose to deal with, don'tcha? A lot of kids would have trouble handling that. However, Paul, you have always been a tough and wonderful kid. I am so appreciative of the help and understanding you do show."

"Thanks, Mom," Paul responds, still sobbing.

"I've always thought that if anyone could handle a tough situation, Paul, it would be you. I think, in the long run, you're going to be stronger than most kids because of all you have gone through. And I think you'll be more understanding and loving than a lot of others, too. That's what I think. What do you think? What are you thinking?

"Maybe"

Nancy and Paul sit on the sofa for another four or five minutes, just holding each other. They explore briefly what Nancy and Robert can do just with Paul.
"Thanks for talking with me, Paul."

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, Paul."
Why did this conversation work so well? Let's look at the seven steps in successful communication and problem solving:

1. Nancy thought about how she wanted to approach Paul and practiced the
conversation in her head.

2. Nancy waited until both of them were in a good mood.

3. Nancy gained Paul's respect by requesting, not demanding, to talk with him. She
didn't just lay it on him, she obtained an agreement to discuss this issue. This is called obtaining contract for the conversation.

4. She explored his point of view. She explored his anger and his blaming of her without becoming defensive (Gold star! This is difficult!).

5. She shared her thoughts and observations gently, with love.

6. She expressed high expectations and gave her son the "can do" message.

7. She ended the conversation with a hug.

FosterClineMD
01-25-2010, 11:24 PM
I have so much enjoyed reading all your responses. So many of you are very creative, and it's understandable and reasonable that a non-CF kid is resentful of their brother or sister. Their sib gets to eat more, takes up more parental time and energy and their needs are primary in scheduling, etc. General Bummer!

However, our general come-through as parent is so important! Sometimes it is so hard for us to walk the essential line between overly sympathetic/overly matter-of-fact. While it is effective to be empathetic, it is often not wise to be overly sympathetic. If we are <i>overly</i> sorry or sympathetic or show angst and pain ourselves, it could overly validate the anger and resentment. It's the difference between a parent saying (with a look of pain):

"Gee, honey, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I'm upset too."

v.s. saying (with understanding):

"I can understand you are feeling a little left out. I'm glad that you cope with the situation as well as you do so much of the time. Come here and give me a hug. I would, however, appreciate your handling it without the whining. Thanks!

Time alone, even if it is short, is helpful in dealing with healthy siblings. And involves them in the a reasonable spot of care for the ill child in an appropriate way. Help foster a spirit of family cohesion and cooperation, without robbing the brothers or sisters of a healthy childhood of their own.

We give the following example in our book. I'll paste it in here, and would certainly welcome any of your comments.

Dale was home from the hospital for a week before Paul joined the family after living with his grandparents. Paul had always been a pretty quiet, stoic little kid. But shortly after coming home he became loud, obnoxious, and disruptive. At dinner-time, the second week after homecoming, Paul was obnoxiously playing with his food when a slippery beet flipped from his plate and hit Dale on the cheek. Dale's cheek was splattered with bright red beet juice, which dripped down below his innocent, big blue eyes. He turned to his mother and said calmly, "Mama, please make him stop." Seeing the red liquid splattered across Dale's face, Nancy lost it completely. She screamed at Paul, "Why are you always such a problem! Can't you settle down?!! Get up to your room now!" Later that night Nancy's husband, Robert, put his arms around his wife and said, "You were a little rough on the kid, don't you think, honey?" Nancy burst into sobs. She tried to justify her behavior while Robert simply held her but her words sounded hollow even to herself. That sleepless night, Nancy resolved to speak to Paul. But more importantly, she resolved to do it right!

Let's eavesdrop here on a beautiful transcripted conversation with a resolution that leaves an angry child with good feelings and high self esteem:

"Honey, do you have a minute?"

Paul, resentfully, "I guess."

"Come on over here and sit with me on the couch.... Good." Nancy tries to put her arm around Paul, but he is stiff and rigid. "What are your thoughts about last night?" Note that Nancy did not start right out with an apology. She gave her son a chance to focus on his behavior, not hers, and happily he did!

"I got too mad, I guess."

"I think we all do at times. What do you think is going on?"

(Snippy, with anger) "I didn't mean for my beet to hit him in the face. I'm sorry! Okay?!"

Nancy ignores the sassy answer, "I am sure you didn't Honey, but I'm not just talking about the beet. You don't seem very happy these days." Wise mom! She focuses here on his feelings, not his tacky behavior.

"What?"

"I think you know what I'm talking about, Paul. You just don't seem like the old happy kid I used to know."

"It's just not fair!"

"What's not fair?"

"I don't know, just everything!"

"Tell me more."

"I hate Dale."

Nancy neatly avoids saying, "You don't mean that" or "That's not a nice thing to say." "Really. Tell me about that, Paul."
Paul starts crying angrily. "He gets everything. You guys spend all your time with him. You love him more than you love me! I hate him!"

"This whole year and Dale's cancer have been pretty hard on you, haven't they?" Imagine how easily Nancy could have said what a hard year Dale had experienced! Or the whole family had experienced! But she continues to focus on Paul and empathize with his feelings.

"Yeah."

"I'm sure it has, honey. I'm sorry. You've been pretty left out, haven't you?" Nancy reaches out to Paul and he snuggles into her, suddenly racked by sobs. She holds him for 30 seconds saying nothing at all.

"How do you feel about hating Dale?"

"I wish I didn't"

"I know that. You know, it is always hard on an older kid when a younger one comes along and is the baby of the family. Lots of kids have trouble handling that. But, when the younger one has cancer, he takes even more of our time. You get a triple dose to deal with, don'tcha? A lot of kids would have trouble handling that. However, Paul, you have always been a tough and wonderful kid. I am so appreciative of the help and understanding you do show."

"Thanks, Mom," Paul responds, still sobbing.

"I've always thought that if anyone could handle a tough situation, Paul, it would be you. I think, in the long run, you're going to be stronger than most kids because of all you have gone through. And I think you'll be more understanding and loving than a lot of others, too. That's what I think. What do you think? What are you thinking?

"Maybe"

Nancy and Paul sit on the sofa for another four or five minutes, just holding each other. They explore briefly what Nancy and Robert can do just with Paul.
"Thanks for talking with me, Paul."

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, Paul."
Why did this conversation work so well? Let's look at the seven steps in successful communication and problem solving:

1. Nancy thought about how she wanted to approach Paul and practiced the
conversation in her head.

2. Nancy waited until both of them were in a good mood.

3. Nancy gained Paul's respect by requesting, not demanding, to talk with him. She
didn't just lay it on him, she obtained an agreement to discuss this issue. This is called obtaining contract for the conversation.

4. She explored his point of view. She explored his anger and his blaming of her without becoming defensive (Gold star! This is difficult!).

5. She shared her thoughts and observations gently, with love.

6. She expressed high expectations and gave her son the "can do" message.

7. She ended the conversation with a hug.

FosterClineMD
01-25-2010, 11:24 PM
I have so much enjoyed reading all your responses. So many of you are very creative, and it's understandable and reasonable that a non-CF kid is resentful of their brother or sister. Their sib gets to eat more, takes up more parental time and energy and their needs are primary in scheduling, etc. General Bummer!

However, our general come-through as parent is so important! Sometimes it is so hard for us to walk the essential line between overly sympathetic/overly matter-of-fact. While it is effective to be empathetic, it is often not wise to be overly sympathetic. If we are <i>overly</i> sorry or sympathetic or show angst and pain ourselves, it could overly validate the anger and resentment. It's the difference between a parent saying (with a look of pain):

"Gee, honey, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I'm upset too."

v.s. saying (with understanding):

"I can understand you are feeling a little left out. I'm glad that you cope with the situation as well as you do so much of the time. Come here and give me a hug. I would, however, appreciate your handling it without the whining. Thanks!

Time alone, even if it is short, is helpful in dealing with healthy siblings. And involves them in the a reasonable spot of care for the ill child in an appropriate way. Help foster a spirit of family cohesion and cooperation, without robbing the brothers or sisters of a healthy childhood of their own.

We give the following example in our book. I'll paste it in here, and would certainly welcome any of your comments.

Dale was home from the hospital for a week before Paul joined the family after living with his grandparents. Paul had always been a pretty quiet, stoic little kid. But shortly after coming home he became loud, obnoxious, and disruptive. At dinner-time, the second week after homecoming, Paul was obnoxiously playing with his food when a slippery beet flipped from his plate and hit Dale on the cheek. Dale's cheek was splattered with bright red beet juice, which dripped down below his innocent, big blue eyes. He turned to his mother and said calmly, "Mama, please make him stop." Seeing the red liquid splattered across Dale's face, Nancy lost it completely. She screamed at Paul, "Why are you always such a problem! Can't you settle down?!! Get up to your room now!" Later that night Nancy's husband, Robert, put his arms around his wife and said, "You were a little rough on the kid, don't you think, honey?" Nancy burst into sobs. She tried to justify her behavior while Robert simply held her but her words sounded hollow even to herself. That sleepless night, Nancy resolved to speak to Paul. But more importantly, she resolved to do it right!

Let's eavesdrop here on a beautiful transcripted conversation with a resolution that leaves an angry child with good feelings and high self esteem:

"Honey, do you have a minute?"

Paul, resentfully, "I guess."

"Come on over here and sit with me on the couch.... Good." Nancy tries to put her arm around Paul, but he is stiff and rigid. "What are your thoughts about last night?" Note that Nancy did not start right out with an apology. She gave her son a chance to focus on his behavior, not hers, and happily he did!

"I got too mad, I guess."

"I think we all do at times. What do you think is going on?"

(Snippy, with anger) "I didn't mean for my beet to hit him in the face. I'm sorry! Okay?!"

Nancy ignores the sassy answer, "I am sure you didn't Honey, but I'm not just talking about the beet. You don't seem very happy these days." Wise mom! She focuses here on his feelings, not his tacky behavior.

"What?"

"I think you know what I'm talking about, Paul. You just don't seem like the old happy kid I used to know."

"It's just not fair!"

"What's not fair?"

"I don't know, just everything!"

"Tell me more."

"I hate Dale."

Nancy neatly avoids saying, "You don't mean that" or "That's not a nice thing to say." "Really. Tell me about that, Paul."
Paul starts crying angrily. "He gets everything. You guys spend all your time with him. You love him more than you love me! I hate him!"

"This whole year and Dale's cancer have been pretty hard on you, haven't they?" Imagine how easily Nancy could have said what a hard year Dale had experienced! Or the whole family had experienced! But she continues to focus on Paul and empathize with his feelings.

"Yeah."

"I'm sure it has, honey. I'm sorry. You've been pretty left out, haven't you?" Nancy reaches out to Paul and he snuggles into her, suddenly racked by sobs. She holds him for 30 seconds saying nothing at all.

"How do you feel about hating Dale?"

"I wish I didn't"

"I know that. You know, it is always hard on an older kid when a younger one comes along and is the baby of the family. Lots of kids have trouble handling that. But, when the younger one has cancer, he takes even more of our time. You get a triple dose to deal with, don'tcha? A lot of kids would have trouble handling that. However, Paul, you have always been a tough and wonderful kid. I am so appreciative of the help and understanding you do show."

"Thanks, Mom," Paul responds, still sobbing.

"I've always thought that if anyone could handle a tough situation, Paul, it would be you. I think, in the long run, you're going to be stronger than most kids because of all you have gone through. And I think you'll be more understanding and loving than a lot of others, too. That's what I think. What do you think? What are you thinking?

"Maybe"

Nancy and Paul sit on the sofa for another four or five minutes, just holding each other. They explore briefly what Nancy and Robert can do just with Paul.
"Thanks for talking with me, Paul."

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, Paul."
Why did this conversation work so well? Let's look at the seven steps in successful communication and problem solving:

1. Nancy thought about how she wanted to approach Paul and practiced the
conversation in her head.

2. Nancy waited until both of them were in a good mood.

3. Nancy gained Paul's respect by requesting, not demanding, to talk with him. She
didn't just lay it on him, she obtained an agreement to discuss this issue. This is called obtaining contract for the conversation.

4. She explored his point of view. She explored his anger and his blaming of her without becoming defensive (Gold star! This is difficult!).

5. She shared her thoughts and observations gently, with love.

6. She expressed high expectations and gave her son the "can do" message.

7. She ended the conversation with a hug.

FosterClineMD
01-25-2010, 11:24 PM
I have so much enjoyed reading all your responses. So many of you are very creative, and it's understandable and reasonable that a non-CF kid is resentful of their brother or sister. Their sib gets to eat more, takes up more parental time and energy and their needs are primary in scheduling, etc. General Bummer!

However, our general come-through as parent is so important! Sometimes it is so hard for us to walk the essential line between overly sympathetic/overly matter-of-fact. While it is effective to be empathetic, it is often not wise to be overly sympathetic. If we are <i>overly</i> sorry or sympathetic or show angst and pain ourselves, it could overly validate the anger and resentment. It's the difference between a parent saying (with a look of pain):

"Gee, honey, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I'm upset too."

v.s. saying (with understanding):

"I can understand you are feeling a little left out. I'm glad that you cope with the situation as well as you do so much of the time. Come here and give me a hug. I would, however, appreciate your handling it without the whining. Thanks!

Time alone, even if it is short, is helpful in dealing with healthy siblings. And involves them in the a reasonable spot of care for the ill child in an appropriate way. Help foster a spirit of family cohesion and cooperation, without robbing the brothers or sisters of a healthy childhood of their own.

We give the following example in our book. I'll paste it in here, and would certainly welcome any of your comments.

Dale was home from the hospital for a week before Paul joined the family after living with his grandparents. Paul had always been a pretty quiet, stoic little kid. But shortly after coming home he became loud, obnoxious, and disruptive. At dinner-time, the second week after homecoming, Paul was obnoxiously playing with his food when a slippery beet flipped from his plate and hit Dale on the cheek. Dale's cheek was splattered with bright red beet juice, which dripped down below his innocent, big blue eyes. He turned to his mother and said calmly, "Mama, please make him stop." Seeing the red liquid splattered across Dale's face, Nancy lost it completely. She screamed at Paul, "Why are you always such a problem! Can't you settle down?!! Get up to your room now!" Later that night Nancy's husband, Robert, put his arms around his wife and said, "You were a little rough on the kid, don't you think, honey?" Nancy burst into sobs. She tried to justify her behavior while Robert simply held her but her words sounded hollow even to herself. That sleepless night, Nancy resolved to speak to Paul. But more importantly, she resolved to do it right!

Let's eavesdrop here on a beautiful transcripted conversation with a resolution that leaves an angry child with good feelings and high self esteem:

"Honey, do you have a minute?"

Paul, resentfully, "I guess."

"Come on over here and sit with me on the couch.... Good." Nancy tries to put her arm around Paul, but he is stiff and rigid. "What are your thoughts about last night?" Note that Nancy did not start right out with an apology. She gave her son a chance to focus on his behavior, not hers, and happily he did!

"I got too mad, I guess."

"I think we all do at times. What do you think is going on?"

(Snippy, with anger) "I didn't mean for my beet to hit him in the face. I'm sorry! Okay?!"

Nancy ignores the sassy answer, "I am sure you didn't Honey, but I'm not just talking about the beet. You don't seem very happy these days." Wise mom! She focuses here on his feelings, not his tacky behavior.

"What?"

"I think you know what I'm talking about, Paul. You just don't seem like the old happy kid I used to know."

"It's just not fair!"

"What's not fair?"

"I don't know, just everything!"

"Tell me more."

"I hate Dale."

Nancy neatly avoids saying, "You don't mean that" or "That's not a nice thing to say." "Really. Tell me about that, Paul."
Paul starts crying angrily. "He gets everything. You guys spend all your time with him. You love him more than you love me! I hate him!"

"This whole year and Dale's cancer have been pretty hard on you, haven't they?" Imagine how easily Nancy could have said what a hard year Dale had experienced! Or the whole family had experienced! But she continues to focus on Paul and empathize with his feelings.

"Yeah."

"I'm sure it has, honey. I'm sorry. You've been pretty left out, haven't you?" Nancy reaches out to Paul and he snuggles into her, suddenly racked by sobs. She holds him for 30 seconds saying nothing at all.

"How do you feel about hating Dale?"

"I wish I didn't"

"I know that. You know, it is always hard on an older kid when a younger one comes along and is the baby of the family. Lots of kids have trouble handling that. But, when the younger one has cancer, he takes even more of our time. You get a triple dose to deal with, don'tcha? A lot of kids would have trouble handling that. However, Paul, you have always been a tough and wonderful kid. I am so appreciative of the help and understanding you do show."

"Thanks, Mom," Paul responds, still sobbing.

"I've always thought that if anyone could handle a tough situation, Paul, it would be you. I think, in the long run, you're going to be stronger than most kids because of all you have gone through. And I think you'll be more understanding and loving than a lot of others, too. That's what I think. What do you think? What are you thinking?

"Maybe"

Nancy and Paul sit on the sofa for another four or five minutes, just holding each other. They explore briefly what Nancy and Robert can do just with Paul.
"Thanks for talking with me, Paul."

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, Paul."
Why did this conversation work so well? Let's look at the seven steps in successful communication and problem solving:

1. Nancy thought about how she wanted to approach Paul and practiced the
conversation in her head.

2. Nancy waited until both of them were in a good mood.

3. Nancy gained Paul's respect by requesting, not demanding, to talk with him. She
didn't just lay it on him, she obtained an agreement to discuss this issue. This is called obtaining contract for the conversation.

4. She explored his point of view. She explored his anger and his blaming of her without becoming defensive (Gold star! This is difficult!).

5. She shared her thoughts and observations gently, with love.

6. She expressed high expectations and gave her son the "can do" message.

7. She ended the conversation with a hug.

FosterClineMD
01-25-2010, 11:24 PM
I have so much enjoyed reading all your responses. So many of you are very creative, and it's understandable and reasonable that a non-CF kid is resentful of their brother or sister. Their sib gets to eat more, takes up more parental time and energy and their needs are primary in scheduling, etc. General Bummer!
<br />
<br />However, our general come-through as parent is so important! Sometimes it is so hard for us to walk the essential line between overly sympathetic/overly matter-of-fact. While it is effective to be empathetic, it is often not wise to be overly sympathetic. If we are <i>overly</i> sorry or sympathetic or show angst and pain ourselves, it could overly validate the anger and resentment. It's the difference between a parent saying (with a look of pain):
<br />
<br />"Gee, honey, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I'm upset too."
<br />
<br />v.s. saying (with understanding):
<br />
<br />"I can understand you are feeling a little left out. I'm glad that you cope with the situation as well as you do so much of the time. Come here and give me a hug. I would, however, appreciate your handling it without the whining. Thanks!
<br />
<br />Time alone, even if it is short, is helpful in dealing with healthy siblings. And involves them in the a reasonable spot of care for the ill child in an appropriate way. Help foster a spirit of family cohesion and cooperation, without robbing the brothers or sisters of a healthy childhood of their own.
<br />
<br />We give the following example in our book. I'll paste it in here, and would certainly welcome any of your comments.
<br />
<br />Dale was home from the hospital for a week before Paul joined the family after living with his grandparents. Paul had always been a pretty quiet, stoic little kid. But shortly after coming home he became loud, obnoxious, and disruptive. At dinner-time, the second week after homecoming, Paul was obnoxiously playing with his food when a slippery beet flipped from his plate and hit Dale on the cheek. Dale's cheek was splattered with bright red beet juice, which dripped down below his innocent, big blue eyes. He turned to his mother and said calmly, "Mama, please make him stop." Seeing the red liquid splattered across Dale's face, Nancy lost it completely. She screamed at Paul, "Why are you always such a problem! Can't you settle down?!! Get up to your room now!" Later that night Nancy's husband, Robert, put his arms around his wife and said, "You were a little rough on the kid, don't you think, honey?" Nancy burst into sobs. She tried to justify her behavior while Robert simply held her but her words sounded hollow even to herself. That sleepless night, Nancy resolved to speak to Paul. But more importantly, she resolved to do it right!
<br />
<br />Let's eavesdrop here on a beautiful transcripted conversation with a resolution that leaves an angry child with good feelings and high self esteem:
<br />
<br />"Honey, do you have a minute?"
<br />
<br /> Paul, resentfully, "I guess."
<br />
<br />"Come on over here and sit with me on the couch.... Good." Nancy tries to put her arm around Paul, but he is stiff and rigid. "What are your thoughts about last night?" Note that Nancy did not start right out with an apology. She gave her son a chance to focus on his behavior, not hers, and happily he did!
<br />
<br />"I got too mad, I guess."
<br />
<br />"I think we all do at times. What do you think is going on?"
<br />
<br />(Snippy, with anger) "I didn't mean for my beet to hit him in the face. I'm sorry! Okay?!"
<br />
<br />Nancy ignores the sassy answer, "I am sure you didn't Honey, but I'm not just talking about the beet. You don't seem very happy these days." Wise mom! She focuses here on his feelings, not his tacky behavior.
<br />
<br />"What?"
<br />
<br />"I think you know what I'm talking about, Paul. You just don't seem like the old happy kid I used to know."
<br />
<br />"It's just not fair!"
<br />
<br />"What's not fair?"
<br />
<br />"I don't know, just everything!"
<br />
<br />"Tell me more."
<br />
<br />"I hate Dale."
<br />
<br />Nancy neatly avoids saying, "You don't mean that" or "That's not a nice thing to say." "Really. Tell me about that, Paul."
<br />Paul starts crying angrily. "He gets everything. You guys spend all your time with him. You love him more than you love me! I hate him!"
<br />
<br />"This whole year and Dale's cancer have been pretty hard on you, haven't they?" Imagine how easily Nancy could have said what a hard year Dale had experienced! Or the whole family had experienced! But she continues to focus on Paul and empathize with his feelings.
<br />
<br />"Yeah."
<br />
<br />"I'm sure it has, honey. I'm sorry. You've been pretty left out, haven't you?" Nancy reaches out to Paul and he snuggles into her, suddenly racked by sobs. She holds him for 30 seconds saying nothing at all.
<br />
<br />"How do you feel about hating Dale?"
<br />
<br />"I wish I didn't"
<br />
<br />"I know that. You know, it is always hard on an older kid when a younger one comes along and is the baby of the family. Lots of kids have trouble handling that. But, when the younger one has cancer, he takes even more of our time. You get a triple dose to deal with, don'tcha? A lot of kids would have trouble handling that. However, Paul, you have always been a tough and wonderful kid. I am so appreciative of the help and understanding you do show."
<br />
<br />"Thanks, Mom," Paul responds, still sobbing.
<br />
<br />"I've always thought that if anyone could handle a tough situation, Paul, it would be you. I think, in the long run, you're going to be stronger than most kids because of all you have gone through. And I think you'll be more understanding and loving than a lot of others, too. That's what I think. What do you think? What are you thinking?
<br />
<br />"Maybe"
<br />
<br />Nancy and Paul sit on the sofa for another four or five minutes, just holding each other. They explore briefly what Nancy and Robert can do just with Paul.
<br />"Thanks for talking with me, Paul."
<br />
<br />"I love you, Mom."
<br />
<br />"I love you too, Paul."
<br />Why did this conversation work so well? Let's look at the seven steps in successful communication and problem solving:
<br />
<br />1. Nancy thought about how she wanted to approach Paul and practiced the
<br /> conversation in her head.
<br />
<br />2. Nancy waited until both of them were in a good mood.
<br />
<br />3. Nancy gained Paul's respect by requesting, not demanding, to talk with him. She
<br /> didn't just lay it on him, she obtained an agreement to discuss this issue. This is called obtaining contract for the conversation.
<br />
<br /> 4. She explored his point of view. She explored his anger and his blaming of her without becoming defensive (Gold star! This is difficult!).
<br />
<br />5. She shared her thoughts and observations gently, with love.
<br />
<br /> 6. She expressed high expectations and gave her son the "can do" message.
<br />
<br />7. She ended the conversation with a hug.